Thursday, February 17, 2011

How to bond with your baby, shop 'til you drop and be saved!

We’ve been pretty lucky with the latest addition to our family. Baby Max has been a good sleeper. And why not? He’s got to be exhausted at the end of a long day of, well, sleeping. I guess I should say that we were pretty lucky, because Max has found his inner night owl.

For me, the ideal day would start between 11 a.m. and noon, and last until the wee small hours. I love the idea of morning – the fresh start to a new day, filled with promise and hope, a delicious breakfast to provide energy for the excitement to come – there are lots of nice things about this idea. It’s the reality that I find objectionable. There’s the kitchen sink and counters, filled with dirty dishes even though it was clean when you went to bed, the garbage spilling forth from the trash can, again, clean before you went to bed. There are the pleas for cash from the kids, the permission slips to be signed for field trips never before heard of, the list goes on. As far as the delicious breakfast, if I eat it at all it’s usually a choice between Raisin Bran and Grape Nuts.

Recently, I’ve been able to achieve part of my scheduling goal. While there’s no change in the time I have to be up – someone has to pay for this place – I am getting to “enjoy” those wee, small hours I mentioned earlier. Just last night, Max and I were able to spend quality time together – from about midnight to 4:30…

Max is an adorable baby. He really is. He’s just as fat as you’d want him to be (should I worry about is BMI reading?), he can smile when he feels the need, and he smells divine. He’s also quite cuddly. So, spending this time with him is more of a pleasure than a chore. For the most part, Max doesn’t cry during these times, he sits. He coos. And he makes other sounds that, if I was to make them, would get some very strange looks. Max is basically just a creature of the night.

This nocturnal interlude has opened me up to a whole new world. It’s the world of late night/early morning television. Flipping through the channels I was surprised to see just how many programs require me to enter our parental control access code after about 1 a.m.. Evidently, TV becomes much more interesting at about this time – who knew? And then there are the channels that I want to watch during the day when I have no time – now showing only an endless stream of infomercials. And it’s those infomercials, along with religious programming, that’s most fascinating. Sure, I’ve become somewhat addicted to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (there is very little that’s real about these women, I assure you), but it’s hard to beat all of the wonderful products offered through the night. So far, I’ve learned that I can totally eliminate several inches from my mid-section with a t-shirt that’s only $19.95 (no more muffin top!) I can also add inches to… oops, let’s skip that one.

There are fabulous products like “tater gloves”, guaranteed to take the peel of any potato simply by rubbing it with your glove. Or, one of my personal favorites, the electric sandwich maker that can do so much more! Evidently, it can make every dish known to man – pies, cakes, omlettes and broccoli and cheddar pizzas (really?) – in 5 minutes or less. Who knew that the plump, peppy little lady who hocks this thing has the secret to the world’s best apple pie – margarine, two slices of Wonder bread, a can of apple pie filling and the incredible sandwich machine, all for only $29.95!

Late night/early morning religion is another thing altogether. Whether it’s the very old gentleman with his pronounced Southern twang or the middle-aged, grey haired ladies sitting around the dining room table on a set decorated in shades of misty blue and dusty rose, here’s the answer to all the world’s problems! At least, if you’re willing to spend a little. That’s right - you, too, can be saved for only (insert amount depending on quality of cable channel). While the geriatric minister and women wearing bunny sweaters and comfortable shoes charge on the lower end, the more charismatic programs ask for a lot more. Take the preacher who gave a sermon about his love of the Fed Ex truck. He get’s so excited every time he sees a Fed-Ex truck! And why not? According to the good reverend, at some point in the recent past he sent $1000 to a church of some sort (I’m guessing his own) and, as a result, he has received an endless stream of unexpected money each week for months! There he is, sitting at home, no doubt preparing next week’s message, and the doorbell rings. Who can it be? Why, it’s the Fed Ex man, and here’s another envelope containing $10,000, $20,000, even $30,000! Because of that $1000 in “seed money”, he now finds himself “favored” by God! For only $1000 I, too, can be “favored” by God! If I call and pledge NOW, I will receive 90 days of financial good fortune!

Although I haven’t taken advantage of any of these special offers, and in all cases we are assured that these offers are “special” - only good for the next 20 minutes or 20,000 callers, whichever comes last - I am guessing that they don’t live up to their promises. In the dark of night we are willing to believe in a lot of things that wouldn’t hold up in the cold, hard light of day (refer back to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). But, it doesn’t really matter. Someday, Max will grow up and move away, but… we’ll always have the Sham-Wow.

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